rational vs. romantic
This post has been in the incubator for awhile. The idea to write about marriage was one that came to me soon after I began hyphenated, but the post needed to marinate so that I could gather all my thoughts (I have many thoughts on this particular topic). So, on that note,... here it goes:
Kevin and I have been together a long time. We started dating when 'teen' was still a component of our age, if that's any indication. We've lived together for almost five years. We're committed to each other - we're in this for the long haul. For better or worse. But we're not married or engaged.
In that context, the question posed to Kevin by an acquaintance in San Francisco, namely "Why haven't you made an honest woman out of her already?", is one that comes up often enough (although most people pose it with more tact).
My main answer to that question is another question: "What's the point?"
I don't intend to suggest that marriage has no meaning. For instance, I can see how marriage would mean a lot to a gay couple in a jurisdiction where same-sex marriages are illegal. I can understand how marriage means a lot to a girl who grew up dreaming of her wedding day. I can see how marriage is important to those with strong religious views. But, I am not gay and I was more tomboy than little princess and I'm an atheist so, alas, marriage just isn't that important to me.
And, perhaps counter-intuitively, the longer I'm with Kevin the more insignificant marriage seems. After being together this many years, we've gone through good and bad times together and we've grown together. Our bond is true. We both know what the answer would be if one of us were to propose, but I don't see the need for a wedding to prove something that we already know.
When the stats are thrown into the mix (over a third of all marriages in Canada and almost half of those in the United States end in divorce), marriage doesn't look any more compelling.
That said, I wish I could call Kevin my husband without lying. There is no English good word for a committed, long-term partnership. Common-law spouse is too legal and unromantic. Partner is too vague (business partner?). Trying to convey my relationship to Kevin to those who don't know us is challenging and, in certain circumstances, I'll refer to him as my husband just to make things easier. Despite wanting to call Kevin my husband, I don't think that semantics provide a good reason to get married.
Some of my friend have gotten married partly because it is the first step to starting a family. Second step: children. As it stands now (never say never?), Kevin and I are, borrowing a great acronym from Dervala, C.A.L.I. No kids in the picture. We're destined to be DINKS* as far as I can tell. If there's no plan for step 2, why pursue step 1?
Maybe I take marriage for granted. Or maybe I'm too rational and not one to let my heart win in a debate with my brain. The (albeit small) part of me that is romantic wants to get married. But, when my romantic fraction pipes up, my brain counters "what's the point?". I'll keep thinking about it and maybe one day I'll come up with a worthy answer. Either that, or my heart will catch my brain off-guard and take full advantage.
As it stands today, I don't have plans to ask anyone to "save the date". My dad's probably happy to hear that since I won't be asking for the 50 bucks that he agreed to contribute to my wedding anytime soon.
*Double income, no kids.
